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Saturday, 03 October 2009

Everything kind of makes me feel stupid and worthless

They went through all this trouble to make me well rounded as a child and I feel gave me a superficial introduction into a variety of things, but the truth about me is: I don't know anything about anything. I don't know literature. I don't know art. You won't find me reading the classics unless it's me trying to do latin so I can eventually read some Bible crap. I mean I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be a doctor and make people proud, but you don't really need latin for that so back off. I don't understand math or remember half my biology. I never got chem. I know nothing of philosophy. My understanding of physics is limited to T.V. I'm not a historian. I'm not a jack or jill I should say of all trades. I'm not some master chef. I don't know anything about anything. Maybe I could get to where I could do something, but what's anything worth? Not worth anything. I don't want to be a doctor anymore. Too much school. Too much time away from home. I don't know anything about classical music. I only know I like to go watch theatre. I don't know what the great plays or operas are. I never thought I claimed too. I don't know sports teams or pop trivia. I don't understand all world religions I've come to find out. I get really embarrassed when people pop off with info like that. I want out of the conversation and away from people like that. What does that make me? An intellectual coward? Probably. I'm proud of myself I learned to read early because it protected my ass. I always feel dumber than everyone else. Less in the know. I get tired of being told I'm smart because I can't ever prove it to myself. I hear I am brilliant, and I look at what is really mediocre compared to what's next to me...why was that just said to me? I'll tell you why because we try to make people feel better about their shortcomings. Usually, I learn things slowly and I have to hear it and see it, and doing something robotically step by step doesn't teach me a thing. Unless its with someone else. I pass things because I'm intuitive and have to come up with ways to cover up the intuition and seem normal. But I'm not that smart in my opinion. I don't even know what's on T.V. What am I authentically good at? Anything? I thought I could write because I had heard I could and felt good about it. But by comparison I can't. I can't even spell. I obviously am not going to win a gold medal anytime soon and I'm definately not good at math. I used to get concepts that I don't anymore. I don't even have the comprehension I used to. I can't even meditate- which is how I defined myself in youth- by my prayers and where they took me in my imagination. Now I'm all an angry despair puddle. I'm not good at anything. I like to pretend I can sing. But really I'm flat and I used to be okay with lying to myself about it. Who doesn't lie about being a good singer? I'm mediocre at everything. Survival outweighs practice time. Anyway, just another schmuck who wanted to have something I was good at and found out there isn't anything.
What I hope for my future

I hope I get a job, get out of debt enough, get some decent fitting clothes, and marry and have some kids with a man who agrees on how to share a life with me.
I think this is because of how much I dislike

Serenadante. and Loonsounds.
I'm my own judge

Speaking from the JudeoChristian perspective, G-d judges us by our heart. So I guess that means if you think you are doing right, He is going to keep in mind you were doing what you thought was best. So, it follows, that if you are insane, He keeps that in mind.
It's a New Year

I feel like a completely new person. I feel so much older after one week, so much farther from who I was before.